Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Movie Reviews from a Person That Doesn’t Go to the Movies Except Only Sometimes

Avatar: It was like being on more drugs than I already was on.

When In Rome: Is Ryan Reynolds in this movie? I’m just assuming.

Coffee, Sex, and Talking, and Pants 3: This movie exists.

The Talented Conudriums’ Magical Frumpasaur: The part where the girl eats the marshmallow key and all the Bro-phans explode was a little confusing.

Texas Teen Genocidal Zombies: Strangely, this movie is about British Imperialism.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Franklin D. Roosevelt Saves Ferris

Detroit: Lots of humans want to save it somehow but not a single jagoff knows how to even begin. So Franklin Belvadere Roosevelt steps in to save the day. He calls Obama a wuss. Obama’s secret service try to advance on his majesty and FDR was not about to hear that. Basically, at this point, you should understand that something happens that just basically allows FDR to pull a “FDR” on everyone and just re-re-re-elect himself as president for infinity.

So after the all the usurping happened, FDR told Detroit that he would make them like a million dollars a second if they would only just listen. The thing that always works is making a movie that makes so much money and pays for the schools. In honor of the schools, he decided to make a sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called FDRSF (FDR Saves Ferris) in which FDR saves Ferris from his fake illness by giving him a stern talking to.

No one saw the movie because christian groups protested the movie’s production staff’s use of condoms in their personal lives. After analyzing the situation, Frank had a plan. He employed millions of illegal growers to turn Detroit into a medical weed state.

So many hippies moved there that it smelled like crap. The trash built up and created a syphilis/plague hybrid. FDR said, “Bama,” and he tagged Obama in. Obama stood on top of the trash heap and his tie was flapping around in the wind and the song “Holy Diver” was playing in the background. Obama waved his hand over the land and Starbucks grew out of the ground and hybrid dealerships sprung up on every corner. Then the ghost of FDR appeared at the end and Obama looked at him and then the ewoks danced around and played bongos.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Mammt on Omegle?

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi
You: Hey what's up beenotch
Stranger: mammt?
You: mammnot
You: what are we talking about
Stranger: no mammnot
Stranger: mammt?
You: mmmammmt
You: ok i give up
You: what does it mean
Stranger: your location?
You: mammt
Stranger: not is location mammt
You: yoda?
Stranger: mammtt
You: mammnt?
You: mammmnt!
Stranger: no
Stranger: you are enlgish?
Stranger: *english?
You: menglishmtt?
Stranger: patt?
You: ericka?
Stranger: fratt?
Stranger: omg
You: mammt?
Stranger: you don't know? o.o
You: of COURSE i know
You: i mean who doesnt know
You: but just to be clear
You: mammtt?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: and you?
You: who doesn't mammtt!
Stranger: o.o
Stranger: mammt yes or no?
You: hmm...
You: just for argument's sake, what does mammt mean
Stranger: you are english and do not know what it means "mammt"?
You: correct
Stranger: omg
Stranger: O_O
You: i feel like you don't know what mammt means
Stranger: mammt is short for "how are you?"
Stranger: =0?
Stranger: fine thx
Stranger: but mammt is a porc?
You: oh lord
You: porc?
Stranger: yeah o.o
You: what is a porc?
Stranger: omg
You: mammt?
Stranger: omg
Stranger: you don't know
Stranger: "porc"?
You: no. i rarely leave my bathroom
Stranger: good
Stranger: are you mammt porc?
Stranger: or sort porc?
You: I'm a sort of mammt unporc.
Stranger: mammt is porc why a fratt fà i bukkin
You: jesus christ
Stranger: o.o
Stranger: omg
Stranger: and you are english
Stranger: O_O
You: omg yes
You: omg are u english
Stranger: mammt do a frull for ù figgh

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Lyrics That Probably Exist

Eagle Breast
by TV on the Radio

Young girl, bones all dried
Deadly winged flying
Came and swooped you up
Killed your tower

Go on sleep
Eagle ate her body
And began to creep
Talons holding that smokey doob
This eagle lifted his shirt
And show me his boob

by Pantera

I can't stand your smell
You are a pathetic drone
Creeping around on your belly
Thanking me for stepping on you
Making you feel real
Your touch smells like death
You smell like death
It's time for you to die
Where's my shovel
I'll cut you in half
Into two snakes that I hate

It's my job to hate you
It's your job to cry
It's my job to kill you
It's your job to die

Sensible Heels
by Z. Z. Top

I found this hat
That fits like a glove
I'm in the mood
I'm in love

LOook Out!
(35 minutes of rocking riff)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


All kinds of people looking at and reacting to things. photo by: (not pictured)

Types of Groups of Things: A Word Herder Book Preview

The first are Legal Beagles. These types make rules for a more perfect union. They create jobs and send criminals to their graves. They smoke tobacco, which doesn't even get you high.

The second are Utopian Grooves. These has a pine taste and is full of rules that no one speaks aloud because you just, like, know them. Less deaths but bridges don't get built and everyone argues about the aesthetics of outdoor lighting. They do things like invent "left-handed sandwiches."

The third are Bar Barners. They are dirty but drunk and always go to work everyday. They never call in sick and hate it when people use hyphenated terms. Their motto is "If you can say something with less words then..." followed by a "you know what i mean" gesture.

Word Herder Press
member FDIC

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Franklin Dulcitone Rosenthal: A Halloween Ghosts

President Francis Eloise Roosevelt was a great of humor. He loved jokes. His apron said "Commander in Chef" with a picture of Calvin peeing on the seal of the presidency. He also had a t-shirt that said "Deal or New Deal." Roosevelt loved drinking and so he made a paper that said "Drink This, Adolf" with a picture of Calvin peeing into a beer. This was called the 21st Amendment on the Constitution. And that ruled, but mostly he wanted to do something for old asses so he created Halloween.

Each day was Halloween back then and the olds would have to go from house to house with a bag asking for money from honest, hardworking stiffs that didn't have time to listen to a couple of old people begging for newly re-instated beer money. So old Rosselvest said "FINE. I'll give you the money through Social Security. On the day he created free money for losers was October 31st, and it became Holding's Day, which Anglo's turned into "Hallows Evening Ween."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Abi's Prompt

I took some advice from my friend Abi and started an Omegle conversation with this prompt: "Why don't you love me anymore?"

Here is the result:


You: why don't you love me anymore

because you left me

I had to

i know
Stranger: it was for the best

so do you love her
You: or is it just like a friend thing
You: wait
You: i don't want to know
You: just let me know that you're happy

we did have a good time together you know

we did

i dont regret anything

I don't regret much. But I do regret our old neighbors
You: remember the Samsons?
You: They were such freaks.

i never really knew them to be honest...
Stranger: i kept myself to myself
Stranger: well in that regard anyway

Jerry Samson! You remember how he used to catch birds in traps and eat them???

the guy i hated?
Stranger: it was a while ago you know

Yeah. Well, anyway, I gotta go to the store. I'll be in the pasta section thinking of you. haha
You: remember that pasta day! LOL!

Stranger: but i miss you

I miss you.
You: take care.

why does it have to end like this?

because I must get going. lots of pasta to make.

for the kids?

it's not an excuse, i just...

i just...???

i'll call you ok?

i dont know what to say

i just need to be alone.

hm... i see
Stranger: take care

goodbye old friend

reluctantly... goodbye

You have disconnected.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hello Stranger

Omegle is a website that allows you to anonymously talk to a stranger, one on one, instantly. If you get bored with one person, you can disconnect then start a new conversation. I will be making a small book of the conversations I have with these people. Here are a few:

Stranger: hi
You: Hi
Stranger: how are you??
You: Gooooooood!!
You: How are you??
Stranger: i'm fine! tnks!
Stranger: why is it so good?
You: Because I am so wasted!
Stranger: ??
You: I drank a bottle of water and it gave me a head rush
Stranger: okay? how did water make you wasted?
You: I drank the water in fast motion. Like fast upward drinking.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Sup
Stranger: hi
You: Don't you love eating black olives
You: Why does everyone hate olives?
Stranger: it's green
You: It's like eating baby orcha whale eggs
You: it's green? what are you refering to.
You: you can't just throw that non-sequitor out and expect me to understand
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: I collect Bees, I'm 37 years old, divorced twice, female, and i don't like talking.
Stranger: wow i'm SOOOOOOOOOOO into you right now
You: good. now pipe down. my stories are on.
You have disconnected.

You: I think I know about things better than you do
You: We've both decided that on many occasions haha lol :)
You: like remember the Grand Cayon trip?
You: and you said no it's totally legal to hit and run
You: and then came the lawyers
You: and there went the trust fund
Stranger: u are wrong
Stranger: i am not that guy u met before
You: Oh yeah? Well is THIS your card?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: tell me your life story in 30 seconds
You: go
Stranger: 30 seconds
Stranger: born, grew up, went to school, got a job...
Stranger: had some good time, some bad times
You: ok that was way more detail than I bargained for.
You: Here's mine:
You: Life. end.
You: boom
You: just like that
Stranger: only lived in one country, several provinces
You: whoa whoa whoa
You: you had your story time
Stranger: I suspect the "end" part of your story is premature
Stranger: unless...
You: yep
You: dead
Stranger: you're a ghost!!!
You: it's true.
You: so want to know what it's like on the other side?
Stranger: not really, i like suspense
Stranger: one question. do you need to use an actual keyboard or are you part of the internets?
You: i am the internet. that is the other side.
You: also internets? plural? really?
You have disconnected.

This Blog Is Made of 100% Recycled Material

Franklin Delaware Rosencrantz was born in 19X8. It was the equinox, and the leaves had just begun to turn to snow. His mother was a factory worker and his "Mum-Mum" (grandfather) was female. He raised old Franklin. One Christmas morning, all the toys were missing! Franklin called Mum mum. Mum Mum said Hush it off little Tut tut. Hush it off.

Eli Whitney and the 40 Thieves

One time a man name of Eli Whitney was married to a queen. Queen had three big mens that carry her dirt ass. Whitney had a wheel barrow that he constantly was pushing himself in. Weird? One day the queen was sick of him doing this so she said CAPTURE HIM! And they tried to capture him but it was too late. Duh he'd already turned into a disguised beggar of course. No one practically could recognize him! Nice beard!! I like how it doesn't even match your hair color. Is that cotton?? Anyways, the queen said, "Hey you beggar what day is this?" And he said, "Crows don't feel time, they just feel wind." She hired him immediately for wisdom purposes and the queen took off her glasses and was actually hot for once. The rest is history!

Drug Stories: A Drug Story
Drugs like Sir John's Worm is nature speak for "drug that makes one's sadness wig out." Now, here's for your information that a bad drug is something "what gives your hallucinations the heeby jeebys."

Here's a list of drugs I've done:

1. Needles
2. Hibiscus
3. Mescaline
4. Phrygian powder
5. Heshers
6. Salves

I don't promote anyone else doing drugs, and I will never do them because they only lead to wife swapping and quaaludes.

The History of Drugs:
Drugs were invented in 1954 during Elvis and everyone was snorting powdered cocoa canes and stealing cigarettes. Shoulder touching was popular amongst teenagers and indecent woman who were necking all the time. Fin.

Alt. Title: Ho
w FDR Stole Thanksgiving

Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt, he change a thanksbirthdays to THE THIRD THURSBY in Novemby during Our Great Depression. He wanted to stimulate the economy. "More shopping!" he cried out. Boy were the calender makers pissed! As well as the general public! They hated change and wanted to make a big deal about it because change is communist. Republicans hated his ideas of change but what I want to say is what is more commie than a RED state. Also, he changed it for like two whole years until congress said "We don't have better things to do thankfully so let's all legislate on this shiiiiiiiiit." And the FDR said, "Thankfully? You're thankful on a day that isn't considered to be Thanksgiving??? I rest my case." And then congress said, "Douche on your words. This how we do." And they gave his excellency the bird.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Golden Radio Show(er)


Transmitted to your home from Hollywood, a division of AOL in conjunction with Bank of America and General Electric Self Defrosting Refridgedaire, and leader in all Gas and Electric Ranges presents GOLDEN RADIO SHOW! A throwback weekly radio show homage to all your favorite radio shows of a bygone era.

"These new versions of copyrighted old radio shows are the equivalent of callback 50's diners. They always serve milk shakes, and the shakes always taste like watered down thickening agent." -Boston Globe

"We can't archive this show because there's no contact information available." -Museum of Television and Radio

"They played music by Miami Sound Machine during a party scene. They refuse to be clear on the intention of the show and as well as the era in which the show takes place." -Chipotle employee/blogger

"They did a bit called Red Skeleton and the Blacks." I'm not gonna go into detail because I'm uncomfortable even writing the N-word." -Carlita Meredith, Artie Shaw Foundation

"One episode was called "Vita-Veta-Vaginol" in which Debra Messing talks about her ovaries for 25 minutes." -Word Herder Press

Our shows include such typical types of radio personalities like abusive detective narrator with a heart of gold and sullen woman with sing-songy voice that sounds like she's talking through a funnel. You'll hear all your favorite-related hits like, BLACK GHOSTS and MURRAY HILL 911! These new takes on old styles will really get your senses going (except sight) and will bring your whole family down, to a level of frightening suspense!

Critics agree that these shows are "time consuming" and filled with plenty of "full orchestral accompaniment that probably ate up the whole budget" for the whole family!

Monday, June 1, 2009

WoHePre ©

Word Herder Press© presents...

Monthly Literary Novella-Zine
Publicatory Rhetoric Collection

Hello. I love you. I'm here to offer you a monthly subscription to The Word Herder Press presents Monthly Literary Novella-Zine Publicatory Rhetoric Collection that includes various mottos, one liners, and quips to say at parties. Impress your boss, friend, relative, all three, none of those, two or more, one or less, boss but not friend but also relative. The WoHePre presents Mon-Li-No-Zi-Pu-Rhet-Collect as an opus of word related rhetoric based conversational devices that can help you feel more like the simple, social beast that you were meant to be.

Here are just a few examples:

Limericks :

I wonder if every boy
Was only eating soy
If he'd spend just as much time
Reading this rhyme
Or tugging his bach choi!

If girls are a fast
And firls are a gas
Then a boy fast
Is a sass fasthole, sass ass.

Party One Liners:
  • "Sarcasm is so dead." (Sip beer and make drunk/aggresive quotation marks after the fact.)
  • "I'll have what SHE'S having." (Loud belch at party goers husband)
  • "Playing the song Margaritaville on repeat is like taking the blue pill." (any song being played can be inserted in the italics)

Buzz Words:
  • Social Butterthigh: A socialite that gets fat because of over indulgence.
  • Homomie: a gay homie
  • Pop Stuffing Jungle Fruit: An all encompassing racial slur that is non-offensive/non-specific and covers all races. Except for Latinos born post-911.
  • Forn Star: The P.C. term that is now used instead of porn star. Forn is short for fornication.

Order your subscription today. If you order by email then I'll have most of the information that I'll need to start charging you immediately. Hope you like life time memberships to shit.

Word Herder Press©
member FDIC

High Maintenence Aquaintance

Open Letter to a High Maintenance Acquaintance

Your mouth has too loud
Speak-intensive VHS quality monologues
A bitch get sea sick from riding up on this talk
I'm just laying with doll eyes
And you keep gnashing your ivory
I feel like you wanna touch me
This ain't a hug if I don't move
You love singing the longest
Don't nobody wanna hear that shit

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pop Songs

I'm writing pop songs. Here this is what it sound like:

Sickness From Your Sweetness

Watching you makes my heart full
Sick off your pies
Like eating thanksgiving booty
Feast for the eyes

Drunk on you like damn
All this exposure to your cooking
Makes me sick man
I'm getting diabetes just looking

Suck on you like a sucker sucks a mouth
Baby you're like a sugar that I need down south

Here's another hit song:

Devil Made Me

I am an evil
That you just can't shake
I am a keystone
That you shouldn't break
I am a darkness
Fire and ice
Water turned sexy
Turned fire, turned ice
Evil turning hot, turning round
Turned gold
Baby you so hot
I wanna freak you underwater bitch

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Ask Peachy

Ask Peachy

Your questions, but answered.

1. Why is chips tastes good?

They don't. They have a special acid in them called shcipendriana. It makes your tongue have fuzz and hurt and need to feel like sandpaper even though you would normally hate that idea. In conclusion I would like to say that each person has to stop.

2. I keep trying to blog but there are multiple poker applications on face book that I play.

This is not a question. You just are saying something that I am understanding. But to answer your question, yes.

3. I named my baby LeBarack. I feel like this name isn't feminine enough for a girl. Are they any nicknames you can recommend?

You have many options. LeBaby. Or LeBadison. Or LeBrachiasaurus. Or LeBrangelina.

4. I am going on vacation soon, but I don't want to bring anyone with me. They are all standing in front of me waiting for me to get done typing this? Help! Hurry!

Do not stop typing. Type furiously. Get progessively faster and more aggressive. Slam your keyboard and yell "SELL!" and then yell "NOOOOO!!!" After that, I dunno. Just wing it.

5. I asked my boyfriend to make me an icecream cone and he brought me in a cone filled with whipped cream. This confuses me.

I don't know what to tell you, the same exact thing just happened to me. Maybe he'll read this blog and clarify his reasoning.